Friday, April 1, 2011

She said it best. . .

This post is a downer. I have some happier ones brewing in my head for another day. This post sums up a very lonely feeling: I feel a little guilty comparing how I feel at times to the feelings of someone whose child is so medically fragile. Sam is physically healthy, it is his cognitive and behavioral issues that keep us (mostly me) isolated. The idea of being cared for is very powerful. It isn't that I want someone to wait on me or take care of all my needs- far from it. It is just that disability often take from you those moments of warmth and comfort that you get in those situations. It isn't about getting a massage or a spa day to "do something for myself". Those moments may be comforting but the provider is working for a fee. There is no real bond that is being nurtured there. One of my happy memories from before the days of Autism is sunday dinner with my parents before their divorce. Sunday dinner was often roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, peas and salad. In my house we were always expected to be present for dinner (unless there was something big going on). We almost always ate together at the table. We were not always happy with each other but there was something very warm and soothing about that meal - prepared by a mother. I can't go home anymore. A couple of years ago my parents seemed to change and then they divorced. Neither one has a house that is "Sam proof" so we can't visit. My roommate in college tried to re-create this for me one weekend. I had gone home to visit my parents for the weekend but I had to catch a train back to NYC before dinner on Sunday. I told her over the phone how sad I was to miss dinner and when I got back she had cooked the full meal! We sat together and ate dinner. Imagine that - that feeling of being cared for. To enjoy something quietly, warmly. Or imagine going over to a friend's house one day, turning the kids loose with a toy box and sitting down to catch up over coffee or tea stopping only to aid in the occassional kid dispute. Not wondering if your five year old is drinking the toilet water or eating the house plants. It would also be nice to provide more of these moments to friends and family. To be able to concentrate on her and be in the moment with her. I love being a mother. I even love being Sam's mother (though it may not always sound like it). I adore him even when I don't like the things he does (his most recent addition to his stims is spitting - really really gross). I enjoy the role of caretaker but I miss the moments that nurture other relationships. I don't know if this post clearly communicated what Claire's post made me think about. I hope it makes a little sense. And I agree that the shower is a great place to let it out. Let any tears go down the drain because letting them linger doesn't help anyone.

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