Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Today Sam turned 6. I still remember the insane strength of the bond I felt as soon as he was born. I think I actually felt physical pain when he was away from me. He was a mama'a boy through and through.

Today Sam woke up at 6. He was snuggly and sweet for a few minutes and so I told him it was his birthday even though he didn't understand. Then he started grabbing the books off the bookshelves and throwing them (his new obsession). Mark tried very hard not to yell and just made Sam clean up every few minutes. The cleaning up has no effect on the behavior but we do it anyway. Then Sam went to school without the cupcakes I wanted to send. I realized when we got home from his dance class that I didn't have enough eggs and I was too tired to go out so late. I am hoping to send them later this week. I couldn't bring them later in the day because it was my first day back at work since the baby came.

Sam got dropped off at the sitter's house and I picked him up at 3:30 with ice cream cake in the car. He seemed excited about that idea. He decided to start pinching Maya on the car ride home. I hope this is not his new obsession because I have no way to separate them and she doesn't deserve to be hurt every time we go out in the car.

Sam spent the rest of the afternoon throwing books and trying to play in the toilet. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying not to lose my temper and nursing the baby who didn't want to drink bottles while I was at work.

I wish for his birthday that I could transform into a better mom, someone who knows what to do about these dangerous behaviors and how to give us all a happier life. SO I am sorry, Sam. I hope that todays feels a little different for you in a good way so that even if you don't know it is your birthday, you know that you feel happy (even if it is just happy about ice cream cake).


Stranded said...

hey! (although we have been away from blogging, but not from the blogs we love to read). May Sam have a life filled with love and dignity.

We don't celebrate birthdays (as in party, cake etc) but ofcourse the day of your birth is always a special day for you and your family. Khaled has no idea either. Don't be so hard on yourself.

How is the nursing and new baby? My baby wants to have some part of her permanently attached to me. Its tough, I dont know how you are doing three!

Emma said...

I am trying to nurse though I am back at work. When I pick up the baby she also wants to be attached to me! Overall we are well but Sam's stims continue to go more destructive and we have had little luck getting suggestions from his therapists. They are all good but all the initial behavior plans have failed. The being hard on myself is due to the fact that I find myself losing my temper much more. It doesn't help since SAm forgets the anger within a minute of its ending. I need to find a way to get back to being more mellow.

Stranded said...

Honey, the hormones will take their natural course and so will the exhaustion, sleep deprivation etc...its not just you who had the baby, everyone in the house is going to remain kind of affected for a while - as we are finding out :D