Starting Fresh

One thing I work really hard to do with Sam is to avoid holding a grudge. Think about it - when we have fights or tough times with other adults, those incidents hang over us the next time we interact. We may respond with anger or sarcasm because the previous interaction is still in our minds. I can't do this with Sam. He is not thinking about the fact that five minutes ago he spit in my face when he comes and asks for a cookie for the hundredth time or when he throws a bunch of blocks. With Sam I think it is important to approach him with the right attitude each time. I try try try to keep my tone positive at the start of each interaction. Sam (like many typical kids) feeds off of negative attention. There is something about the adrenaline rush that often fuels him to repeat the things he is scolded for. So every morning and at every new interaction I try to remember to be glad to see him and to act as if he is going to be appropriate.I think that this is an important thing to do even with typical kids. Children are so much in the moment that to cloud our resposnes to them with previous negative feelings will just confuse them. I am not always successful with this but I try.

She said it best. . .

This post is a downer. I have some happier ones brewing in my head for another day. This post sums up a very lonely feeling: http://severedisabilitykid.blogspot.com/2011/03/to-be-cared-for.html I feel a little guilty comparing how I feel at times to the feelings of someone whose child is so medically fragile. Sam is physically healthy, it is his cognitive and behavioral issues that keep us (mostly me) isolated. The idea of being cared for is very powerful. It isn't that I want someone to wait on me or take care of all my needs- far from it. It is just that disability often take from you those moments of warmth and comfort that you get in those situations. It isn't about getting a massage or a spa day to "do something for myself". Those moments may be comforting but the provider is working for a fee. There is no real bond that is being nurtured there. One of my happy memories from before the days of Autism is sunday dinner with my parents before their divorce. Sunday dinner was often roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, peas and salad. In my house we were always expected to be present for dinner (unless there was something big going on). We almost always ate together at the table. We were not always happy with each other but there was something very warm and soothing about that meal - prepared by a mother. I can't go home anymore. A couple of years ago my parents seemed to change and then they divorced. Neither one has a house that is "Sam proof" so we can't visit. My roommate in college tried to re-create this for me one weekend. I had gone home to visit my parents for the weekend but I had to catch a train back to NYC before dinner on Sunday. I told her over the phone how sad I was to miss dinner and when I got back she had cooked the full meal! We sat together and ate dinner. Imagine that - that feeling of being cared for. To enjoy something quietly, warmly. Or imagine going over to a friend's house one day, turning the kids loose with a toy box and sitting down to catch up over coffee or tea stopping only to aid in the occassional kid dispute. Not wondering if your five year old is drinking the toilet water or eating the house plants. It would also be nice to provide more of these moments to friends and family. To be able to concentrate on her and be in the moment with her. I love being a mother. I even love being Sam's mother (though it may not always sound like it). I adore him even when I don't like the things he does (his most recent addition to his stims is spitting - really really gross). I enjoy the role of caretaker but I miss the moments that nurture other relationships. I don't know if this post clearly communicated what Claire's post made me think about. I hope it makes a little sense. And I agree that the shower is a great place to let it out. Let any tears go down the drain because letting them linger doesn't help anyone.

Baby

On March 9th, I went to the hospital with these.


After a very smooth delivery I had Hannah.


Sam pretty much ignores her except when he snatches a blanket off of her to throw. Maya likes her but she is emotional about everything else. She gets jealous when I am nursing.

Hannah is pretty easy going. She still feeds quite frequently and so she is up every 2-3 hours at night so Mark and I are pretty tired. In truth though, I feel better than before the delivery when I was pregnant, my arm wasn't healing quickly, and I had a major stomach bug that had me throwing up for days. Now I am recovering from delivery and tired but my arm is almost better, I can eat and when I do get a chance to sleep, I am more comfortable.

Jealous Boy

I am very curious to see how Sam will do when this baby arrives. He reacted badly when Maya came home. He wasn't aggressive or mean to her, he just acted up a lot. Now he doesn't like to be without her. He is so much more behavioral now that I am not sure how much worse he can get (I may regret saying that)!

This has been on my mind because Maya and I got the bug Sam had a couple of weeks ago. We have been coughing and throwing up since Saturday. Both of us are finally on the mend today. Maya has needed a lot of extra attention. I never realized how independent Maya is normally. She is very cuddly in the morning and the evening and she often hugs me during the day but in between she plays and moves around without needing to be right next to me. Sam, who moves around the house like the Tazmanian Devil, checks in A LOT. He will often pull me to a chair or couch and either dive behind me or sit right up next to me for a moment. He missed out on this while Maya and I were ill. I noticed that the second Maya wasn't on my lap he tried to climb on himself (and he doesn't fit too well these days) or he tried to sit right near mefor a moment. He has also been a little more wired this week.

The plan is to induce this wednesday when Sam is in school. That way only his evenings will feel different. I am curious to hear how Mark handles the night wake ups while I am gone. Often he doesn't even hear them wake up. If that happens, it is likely whoever wakes first will wake the other by the time he figures out what is going on.


This should be interesting.

Sam is finally getting over a monster of a cold. This is the second time this year he has had one like this - a week of coughing so hard he pukes. The other night he woke up in a puddle of vomit and then had to sleep with us with lovely smelling hair ( I tried to clean it but he was hysterical!!) Now Maya and I have the cold but we don't seem to be throwing up (keep your fingers crossed). So now I need the arm and the cold to get better before I have this baby . . . .please.


I just entered Sam in an ipad contest on this blog:

http://marissasbunny.com/


5 ipads are being given away so if you have a special needs child you might want to check it out.

The arm is healing although the process feels so slow. I got the stitches out on Tuesday (3 weeks after the surgery). I got a removable cast/brace that allows me to take a real shower. I can move my fingers and bear a TINY bit of weight on the (the weight of a few papers or a kid's plastic plate). I can't do much with the thumb yet. The surgery was just below the thumb so I guess that makes sense. I should be in this cast until the baby comes. At my appointment on tuesday the doctor asked me to come back in three weeks for an x-ray. I asked how flexible he was with that because I was planning to have a baby in 3 weeks. H said call when I deliver because they might be able to do the x-ray while I am in the hospital! That would save a lot of trouble.

I had a bit of a scare on Friday because it felt like I was going into labor. I was awake most of the night because of Sam and because I just felt strange. When I went to work I made sure to drink lots of water and I tried to eat but I had no appetite. I began cramping/contracting right as the day began. They were not too intense but strong enough to be uncomfortable. I had three hours of non-stop teaching first thing in the morning and then a 25 minute break. During those 25 minutes I told the main office I needed to leave. I organized work for my afternoon classes and left. I tried calling my doctor but they were "out to lunch" for an hour and a half. When I finally got the secretaries, they asked me to come in right away. The doctor checked me and I was only dilated a tiny bit so he din't think it was true labor. He told me to take a hot shower, lie down and drink half a glass of wine. I did n't have the wine because I was afraid I would fall asleep on the spot. By the next morning the cramps had died down and I began to feel normal again. Can you imagine a newborn, a 2 year old, and Sam. . .and me with only one working arm?

Sam has had a tough time with my injury. He doesn't understand that he can't grab my arm to lead me somewhere. He has also had to adjust to Dad dressing him after his bath. I am starting to be able to do it again but I don't mind keeping it as my husband's job for a while. Sam continues to have sleep issues despite Clonidine and melatonin ( it worked great for a while but like everything it seems to have stopped having the full effect). When he wakes he is less stimmy than off the meds but it still makes for tough nights.

One nice thing that came of this is that I got a lot of kindness from neighbors, friends, and people at work. Some cooked us dinner and others pooled money for a gift card to a local take out restaurant. My mom sent a package of frozen meals. One neighbor took Maya outside to play in the snow with her kids (which was a real treat for her since I can't even do that when I am healthy because Sam won't go). The first couple of days I had NO arm control and I had to get a neighbor to change Maya when she pooped.

On hard thing about all this though has been the "alone" factor. Mark just couldn't take off from work for financial reasons and I have basically been on my own with the kids (outside of work) six days a week. While it was hard to go out with Maya and Sam before, it is impossible now. I have been able to find ways to do most things one-handed but it is very difficult. If I thought I was tired before, it was nothing compared to now ( try sleeping with a 9-month pregnant belly and a broken arm). The night I had the surgery, we couldn't find anyone who could pick me up. Mark had to drag the kids out of bed at midnight and bring them to come get me. He waited outside the front doors until they wheeled me out. My mother and my sister have both made trips on Saturdays to help out for a few hours (I need help carrying laundry baskets around the house) which has been nice but I have been finding myself envious of people who live near family or who get to stay home with their kids and have the time to get to know other parents in the area.

One thing that made me very happy though was that I wasaqble to knit a few rows yesterday. It was slow work but it was a start. Since knitting is my only "thing" outside of work and kids, it has been tough not to have that distraction.

A Perfect Storm

-Bad weather kills Mark's business
-the unsual financial issues
-8 (soon to be 9) months pregnant
-broken arm that has to heal from surgery
-most stressful time at my job (high stakes testing)
-Sam has stopped sleeping on a regular basis

So will our ship be lost?


On a slightly more positive note, Sam is giving Maya quite a sibling experience lately. He zeroes in on whatever she is playing with and either syeals it or knocks it over. Classic bratty brother.

Typing one handed stinks.