Summer is winding down and I am feeling that mix of emotions that comes with "back to school" time. I anticipate the extra fatigue of having to get the girls and myself out the door by 7am after interupted nights. Then I will teach all day, pickup the kids, manage Sam's afternoon therapies, try to keep up with the house and grading only to go to bed expecting, at best, an hour or two of sleep at a time. I feel sad about not being with the girls during the day. I feel guilty about NOT being sad about time away from Sam ( I don't know how you homeschooling moms do it). I feel frustrated before Sam's school year even starts because I am pretty sure we will see little progress again this year. Who knows, maybe Sam might be able to get to 3 whole minutes on his "waiting" program. (insert sarcastic eye roll here)
I also feel a little down that yet again we have done nothing away from home as a family. I have been watching through the window while neighbors pack their bags and their cars and head out to make memories at the beach or in Europe or at a campsite. I am not dreaming of a a resort vacation but a day or two at a lake or the ocean would be nice. My mother, my sister (with her husband and son) and my father all ended up on holiday in England (my parents are British) this summer. They were there at different times but they got to see the places we lived/visited when I was a child. They got to see where my grandparents ashes were scattered. jealous. jealous. jealous. I was so jealous I felt sick to my stomach. I know it is selfish and stupid when considered along with all the real problems in the world but that it how I felt. Yet again this year I thought about buying a bathing suit but didn't. Yet again I didn't need it. I can't blame it all on autism. We couldn't have afforded a trip even if Sam were typical.
So, can we pick up your mail? Sure, we are not going anywhere. Can we pick up the papers? Sure, we are not going anywhere. Keep an eye on the house? Sure, we are not. going. anywhere.
* * * * * *
I have been keeping a mental list of simple things that would make life a little nicer here at home. I am hoping to add these into Sam's home program over the next year. Some of these goals are more about me than Sam
1. I would like to be able to take a walk - a long one. I have had three kids now and I need some excercise. We actually started this one already by teaching Sam to hold the stroller and walk with me. He gets Skittles every so often if he "walks nicely". If anyone has a more natural alternative for Skittles please tell me. They gross me out but Sam won't go for jelly beans or gummies with natural colors and flavors. He has done pretty well. A few block is he starts jumping up and down osessively and hooting but we will keep at it.
2. I would like to be able to sit together at the table for more than 2 minutes.
3. I would like to be able to have something to drink with dinner. If I bring a glass of water to the table Sam will either steal it and spill it, stick his hand in it, or break the glass. If I use a plastic cup he will go bananas wanting to play with it.
4. I would like to put the books back on my bookshelves and know that Sam will not destroy them.
5. I would like to be able to take Sam to the grocery store and not have him try to knock all the cans off the shelves.
6. I would like to be able to spend a day at a beach next summer - any beach. I don't expect to get any relaxation from this but I want to girls to have summer memories that include sand and water.
I had more goals on my mental list but I can't recall them right now. Sam has been up since four and the baby still nurses during the night so that might have something to do with it.